Lucky

Well, it's official- I'm a working girl. Not that kind of working girl (or maybe it was just me that thought that...), but a real 9 to 5-er; in case you didn't figure it out, I got the job at the university. I start Monday- this is my last week of freedom. And what am I doing on this last Thursday when I can stay up late and be crazy and wild? Sitting at home alone watching TV and blogging. I really am lame. But at least I'm not unemployed and lame.

I'm nervous. I'm still convinced they will realize that I'm a fraud, that I'm really not qualified to live in the adult world. Maybe I'm not; I don't feel like I am. I went shopping last weekend with my friend- I'll call her Mrs-Mrs., as she is currently obsessed with being a perfect wife- and I felt like I was buying a costume for a play. I bought conservative pants and tasteful shirts and sensible (but still super cute) shoes. I have even got a whole costume design in mind, in keeping with the university setting; I'm going to look like I walked right off the set from the Dead Poet's Society (or any other movie set on a college setting in the late fifties/early sixties), all tweed and sweater-sets and penny loafers, but modernized. See- I talk like I'm in a movie. I have no grasp on reality.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not signing a contract in blood. If I hate it, I can leave. But the benefits are great, and they are paying me really well (well, much better anyway). Today I did a test run of getting up at seven and driving up to the campus in rush hour. I made it ten minutes early, even after leaving ten minutes late.

I am a dork. But a dork with a job....

God I'm a Wuss

I figured out which job it was- my asking for the job description ploy worked just fine- but now I'm not sure that I want to get it. It's a program assistant job for some run of the mill university department- just the sort of banal, entry level admin thing I was looking for. But now I'm not so sure I want a banal, entry level admin thing. What if I can't pull it off? What if I hate it? What if I get sucked into staying at another useless, mind-numbing job I hate and never go back to school or really start writing or pursuing my singing? Maybe having a month or so to myself to really look for a job I will love and test the office waters with a temp job is really the best thing for me. What if I actually fake my way successfully through the interview, they hire me, and they want me to start next week? And what if when I start they realize that I'm really a huge, 30 year old fraud who has never really had a "real office job"? I mean, does working in the box office of a theatre really count? Half of the employees in my "office" have come to work stoned at one point or another, and the most difficult customer issues we deal with involve grown adults who are wasted; it's hardly a serious corporate environment. It's not like we really do any work, any work that takes skill or managerial savvy, anyway.

I am such a mess. Maybe I'm just too lazy and scared for the real world. Maybe I was a spoiled little princess in my last life and the bad habits made it through to this one. Why can't I just be a hard working, ambitious, career-driven girl like all of my friends? Why am I such wuss?

College life, here I come...(?)

I got a job interview! For one of the (million or so) jobs I applied for at Northwestern! The only problem is that I don't know which job it's for, so that may make the interviewing process a little tricky. I sent the guy my resume a few minutes ago and asked if he could resend a copy of the job description so that I can prepare for the interview- that should work, right? I can't believe that I finally heard back from them! I had gotten so used to getting their rejection emails that when the guy called I presumed he was calling about an information session I had signed up to attend for the creative writing Masters program. That's why I didn't pay attention when he said which department he was calling from (brilliant, I know...)

I'm so nervous! I haven't interviewed in so long! I hope I don't totally blow it- a job at Northwestern would be a dream come true, and it would mean benefits (GOOD benefits), which would also rock.

(sung in the style of Broadway schlock)"God I hope I get it, I hope I get it, how many people do they need?...I really need this job, dear God I need this job, I hope I get THIS JOB!!!"

Online applications suck

Applied for a few more jobs today, though it's starting to feel like spitting into the wind. I hate those online applications- they make you manually enter everything into their system and then ask you to upload your resume, which has EVERYTHING YOU JUST UPLOADED ON IT. What a waste of time. Are they just testing you patience? Making sure you know how to enter data into a computer? I would love to get either of the jobs I applied for though; they're both at the Field Museum, administrative assistant positions. It's frustrating to know that they'll probably take one look at my resume, see that all of my jobs have been arts related and toss it out. I could work reception in any office setting- I have a brain, and a good phone manner- but it's hard to see that on my resume. I list all of my office experience, but I just don't feel like it translates well. If only I could get to the interview stage...sigh.

On a better note though, I heard back from my NU professor today and he's going to write my letter of recommendation for the Master's application. So as soon as I get my personal essay edited to the point of perfection, I'm pretty much all set. I can't wait to go back to school; I just feel like I've been waiting so long to be back on a path towards something. I've said all along that I'd have no problem doing the work as long as I knew where to start and where it was leading. And now I do, and that feels fantastic. I feel very confident about the choice of Library Science. It just makes sense to me- a perfect combination of public service and academia and creative work. And I'll actually get to use my brain again, and be constantly exposed to new information, and even have the opportunity to work irregular (ie. not 9 to 5) hours. And I can wear cute vintage cardigans and plaid skirts and horn-rimmed cats eye glasses! Okay, so maybe that's not the most important part, but it's a bonus!

Now I just need to find something to do until then. Sigh. I still think winning the lottery is my best bet...

Still Going

Okay, so this will be a short post, because I've been sitting at the computer typing all day and I'm ready for a break. Maybe that doesn't bode well for my suitability for office work... Sent out some more resumes and cover letters today and took the world's most annoying coporate personality test on the Border's site. Do they really think that anyone tells the truth on those things? "Slow people irritate me- Do you strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly disagree?" Well, naturally I disagree- slow, stupid, rude people do not irritate me in the slightest, in fact I CRAVE their company, and LIVE to serve them! (insert gagging sound here as corporate America chokes all self respect and individuality from my soul). Working in a bookstore would be great, but maybe I'm not so suited for a job with a personality-less, soul-squashing corporation quite yet. I do take particular pride in the fact that I have never actually worked for a franchise or a corporation before, and I would love to keep it that way. But unemployeed 30 year olds with little to no experience can't be but so picky. I may just have to suck it up and sell out for a little while, at least until I can get my MLIS and enter the noble profession of Librarian- defending intellectual freedom and distributing knowledge to the masses free of charge or ulterior motive.

Speaking of, I started my application process for the MLIS today- man, I wish I could start tomorrow! I can't wait to be back in school and headed towards something fulfilling...

Day One

Looked for jobs on Craigslist today and filled out an application to be a Cook's Assistant at a local cooking school/kitchen shop- I'm on my way! I think I want to use this time to test out the waters, try some things that I have never done but have always wanted to try. I found out yesterday that I may be able to start grad school this winter instead of next summer like I had thought, so I have a few months to kill until I know what my schedule will be like and can really try to get a full time, more permanant job. In the meanwhile, why not coast a bit, experiment- no better way to build a net than to cast out lines in a few different directions, right?

I'm trying to get up the nerve to walk into a flower shop down the street from my current job and ask them if they're hiring or if they take apprentices for flower arranging. I've always wanted to work in a flower shop, but all of the adds I've seen for florists require "previous experience". That's a catch 22 I've always wondered about- how do you get "previous experience" if no one will hire you without it? Are there people being trained as teenagers in flower arrangement? Is there some college somewhere that offers a degree in flowers? I helped my Mom arrange flowers and piddle around her garden a lot when I was a kid, does that count? I know the difference between a zinnia and a gerber daisy, a hydrangea and a lilac, a day lily and a calla lily- does that count?

Assisting a cooking class would be fun too. I love food, I love to cook, I love to prep and that should pretty much cover it. I like the precision of cooking- measuring out ingredients into neat cups and tablespoons- and I also like the recklessness- a pinch of this, a dab of that. It would also be a teaching experience, which would be great too. Of course, teaching English you would hardly get to eat your students tests (Yummmmmmmmm-paper...).

Clean Slate

Ah white space, a blank canvas, a fresh start- all that jazz. That's why I chose this template, actually- it seemed appropriate to my intention. I like it when the mood matches the face.

I have created this stark, clean page for one reason: I want to document my search for purpose. Sounds lofty, but really not so much. I'm not looking for inner peace or spiritual enlightenment (though those would be nice, no doubt), I merely want to find a career that I can enjoy which will keep me in the moderately modest lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed. That's all; I just want to find a job I like that pays okay. Easy enough. Or so it would seem.

Well, technically, I have a job, at least I do for another week or so. But after that, on September 4th, to be exact, I leap blindly into the world of job seeking and (I'm guessing here) feelings of worthlessness and depression. Of course that's looking at the half-empty glass and presuming I won't have found a job by then. I actually tend to look on the bright side when it comes to jobs; in the past that has come off like starry-eyed confidence. But as I grow older (while my resume looks younger every day), it's starting to feel more like delusional naivete.

Here's the rub: I am thirty years old, college educated, a quick learner with no obvious physical or mental defects, and yet I have never had a real job. I clarify that by saying that I have an abnormally strict idea about what constitutes a "real job", formed primarily by my own overly lofty and unrealistic goals and my need to hold them over my own head, but that basically means I have never done a job that could not easily be done by a high school student on summer vacation. To date (and I'm not counting the jobs I did while I myself was a high school student), I have been: a waitress, a children's theatre actor, a waitress again, and a box office lackey. Can I restate- for effect- that I am THIRTY YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A COLLEGE EDUCATION. Okay, I did briefly start my own educational theatre company which toured around town a bit, and I have produced two solo cabaret shows and booked gigs with my jazz band, but those only barely count as they lack the "real job" stipulation of needing to pay more than $1 per hour for time invested.

In short, I'm a little behind.

But that's all about to change. I quit my job and I'm leaping off of this damn rock, because if I don't do it now I'll just be sitting here at 40 with the same complaints, and that is really not an option. I recently read the quote "Jump and the net will form"- a risky proposition if you're entering a career in the circus, but one that I found helpful. As long as I had this crappy little box office gig I was never going to go out looking for something else, no matter how much I hate my job. It was too comfortable, too rote, too easy to say "I'll start looking next week". Now next week is my last week with a regular paycheck, and if that doesn't light a fire under me, I don't know what will.

So wish me luck and read along if you want. I don't promise no whining or procrastinating or wandering off subject- old habits die hard- but if you've ever longed for a look inside the mind of a thirty year old slacker/dreamer/Peter Pan type who's determined to get out of Neverland and take a shot at life on the mainland, then you just might find this interesting.