Clean Slate
Ah white space, a blank canvas, a fresh start- all that jazz. That's why I chose this template, actually- it seemed appropriate to my intention. I like it when the mood matches the face.
I have created this stark, clean page for one reason: I want to document my search for purpose. Sounds lofty, but really not so much. I'm not looking for inner peace or spiritual enlightenment (though those would be nice, no doubt), I merely want to find a career that I can enjoy which will keep me in the moderately modest lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed. That's all; I just want to find a job I like that pays okay. Easy enough. Or so it would seem.
Well, technically, I have a job, at least I do for another week or so. But after that, on September 4th, to be exact, I leap blindly into the world of job seeking and (I'm guessing here) feelings of worthlessness and depression. Of course that's looking at the half-empty glass and presuming I won't have found a job by then. I actually tend to look on the bright side when it comes to jobs; in the past that has come off like starry-eyed confidence. But as I grow older (while my resume looks younger every day), it's starting to feel more like delusional naivete.
Here's the rub: I am thirty years old, college educated, a quick learner with no obvious physical or mental defects, and yet I have never had a real job. I clarify that by saying that I have an abnormally strict idea about what constitutes a "real job", formed primarily by my own overly lofty and unrealistic goals and my need to hold them over my own head, but that basically means I have never done a job that could not easily be done by a high school student on summer vacation. To date (and I'm not counting the jobs I did while I myself was a high school student), I have been: a waitress, a children's theatre actor, a waitress again, and a box office lackey. Can I restate- for effect- that I am THIRTY YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A COLLEGE EDUCATION. Okay, I did briefly start my own educational theatre company which toured around town a bit, and I have produced two solo cabaret shows and booked gigs with my jazz band, but those only barely count as they lack the "real job" stipulation of needing to pay more than $1 per hour for time invested.
In short, I'm a little behind.
But that's all about to change. I quit my job and I'm leaping off of this damn rock, because if I don't do it now I'll just be sitting here at 40 with the same complaints, and that is really not an option. I recently read the quote "Jump and the net will form"- a risky proposition if you're entering a career in the circus, but one that I found helpful. As long as I had this crappy little box office gig I was never going to go out looking for something else, no matter how much I hate my job. It was too comfortable, too rote, too easy to say "I'll start looking next week". Now next week is my last week with a regular paycheck, and if that doesn't light a fire under me, I don't know what will.
So wish me luck and read along if you want. I don't promise no whining or procrastinating or wandering off subject- old habits die hard- but if you've ever longed for a look inside the mind of a thirty year old slacker/dreamer/Peter Pan type who's determined to get out of Neverland and take a shot at life on the mainland, then you just might find this interesting.
I have created this stark, clean page for one reason: I want to document my search for purpose. Sounds lofty, but really not so much. I'm not looking for inner peace or spiritual enlightenment (though those would be nice, no doubt), I merely want to find a career that I can enjoy which will keep me in the moderately modest lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed. That's all; I just want to find a job I like that pays okay. Easy enough. Or so it would seem.
Well, technically, I have a job, at least I do for another week or so. But after that, on September 4th, to be exact, I leap blindly into the world of job seeking and (I'm guessing here) feelings of worthlessness and depression. Of course that's looking at the half-empty glass and presuming I won't have found a job by then. I actually tend to look on the bright side when it comes to jobs; in the past that has come off like starry-eyed confidence. But as I grow older (while my resume looks younger every day), it's starting to feel more like delusional naivete.
Here's the rub: I am thirty years old, college educated, a quick learner with no obvious physical or mental defects, and yet I have never had a real job. I clarify that by saying that I have an abnormally strict idea about what constitutes a "real job", formed primarily by my own overly lofty and unrealistic goals and my need to hold them over my own head, but that basically means I have never done a job that could not easily be done by a high school student on summer vacation. To date (and I'm not counting the jobs I did while I myself was a high school student), I have been: a waitress, a children's theatre actor, a waitress again, and a box office lackey. Can I restate- for effect- that I am THIRTY YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A COLLEGE EDUCATION. Okay, I did briefly start my own educational theatre company which toured around town a bit, and I have produced two solo cabaret shows and booked gigs with my jazz band, but those only barely count as they lack the "real job" stipulation of needing to pay more than $1 per hour for time invested.
In short, I'm a little behind.
But that's all about to change. I quit my job and I'm leaping off of this damn rock, because if I don't do it now I'll just be sitting here at 40 with the same complaints, and that is really not an option. I recently read the quote "Jump and the net will form"- a risky proposition if you're entering a career in the circus, but one that I found helpful. As long as I had this crappy little box office gig I was never going to go out looking for something else, no matter how much I hate my job. It was too comfortable, too rote, too easy to say "I'll start looking next week". Now next week is my last week with a regular paycheck, and if that doesn't light a fire under me, I don't know what will.
So wish me luck and read along if you want. I don't promise no whining or procrastinating or wandering off subject- old habits die hard- but if you've ever longed for a look inside the mind of a thirty year old slacker/dreamer/Peter Pan type who's determined to get out of Neverland and take a shot at life on the mainland, then you just might find this interesting.
posted by CHANTEUSE at 6:06 PM
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